To Whom It May Concern

i’m singing lady gaga…

“…caught in a bad romance.” 

of all of the songs to sing, i choose this one. i’m intelligent.

friends?

i’m truly realizing a lot of things about life during this time in my life. i’m realizing that people never stay the same and that you can’t have a solid sense of reliability with someone. and it’s funny. people that were insignificant in my life have come to my side more than people whom i trusted the world with. it’s so bad, it’s past the point of regret. it’s just “what-ever.” so i’m done trying. done trying to make everyone happy and, especially now, i can’t mentally and physically handle being around people who have such a negative energy and perception of the world. nothing i do or say makes a difference and all i want to do now at this point in my life is to have fun with my friends and to make memories with them. 

oh, and after my tattoo in may i’m getting this:

“I don’t know where to go. I don’t know if this thing’s still working, my heart’s not beating anymore.” -Bayside. (my favorite band and my source of inspiration and sanity.)

i am not superman.

over the past month, i have learned that just because i am young, i am not invincible to the evils that inhabit the world; more specifically to the evils that penetrate the human body itself. it could all be worse, and i am extremely fortunate, however my own body did this to itself. i cannot seem to get over the fact that something that is the size of a chick-pea can give the rest of your body such a huge problem. it really just baffles me and re-assures my appreciation and inquiry about the human body. 

i am nineteen years old and up until recently i never would have imagined that evils such as these would be found in my body. even though i consider myself lucky that this can be taken care of with the miracles of modern day medicine, i must admit that i have been losing sleep these past few nights. i lay in bed and wonder what my body will be able to fight off forty, fifty, sixty, seventy years down the road. how will this effect me fifteen years from now? will this be a concern for the rest of my life? is this genetic? i have tried telling my friends and loved ones as little as possible to keep the status quo because i am not some pity case and never will be. 

it’s funny. after everything i have been through so far, and looking at what i am going to be going through during the course of january, i never thought in a thousand life-times that my enemy would become the person whom i rely on the most. 

only eleven days folks.

yes, only eleven days left until school is over. there are only three days of actual classes left, and i am busy with so much other crap so it really wont be that bad. over the past few weeks the following have been complete:

• all of my transfer application bull-crap.
• my humanities research paper.
• my modern world history paper.
• my mass media final, as well as the class.

throughout these next eleven days i still have more school work but the majority of it got done. i am so excited for christmas, like i am every year. but this year my own body is fighting against me and i have a feeling i’ll be spending the month i have off from school in hospitals and dealing with side effects from medications. this whole thing is hindering everything. i hope that it will be resolved and i am preparing myself mentally for the hardships that i will be faced with in the up-coming weeks. merry christmas to me i guess. this is all karma catching up to me, as i have feared for so long. at least i have people here who understand that i am not myself lately.

pandora

currently updating my pandora. just got done with some homework, story of my life, and the song that just came on is making me forget about my papers, school, work, transfer applications, and what not. christmas is right around the corner and i am beyond excited. normally around this time of the year i feel really lonely but this year i dont. this is going to be a good week.

• only two days of school
• thanksgiving
• a few days off from work
• MY FRIENDS COME HOME FROM SCHOOL<3

i cannot wait to spend a few days with my best friends who have returned from their foregin places of higher education. the goodbye’s will be easier this time. it’s only for three weeks and believe me i’ll be busy during those three weeks. after thanksgiving i have to…

1. finish my transfer applications
2. do my humanities research paper
3. do my modern world history paper
4. finish my mass media final project
5. miscellanious geography and computing homework
6. WORK
7. christmas shopping/ wrapping

wish me luck. for now i am getting lost in thrice, death cab for cutie, arcade fire, and band of horses and this amazing tea that i just made.

yo.

finally updating my tumblr. i forgot the password to my account so i was too lazy to go through the process of obtaining a new password. it is a friday night and i wish i was in the city right now seeing we came as romans and destroy rebuild until god shows. but instead i am sitting on my bed working on my transfer applications and figuring out my schedule for the next week. i register for my last semester of my two year college on monday so i am trying to make it the best. life right now is busy, and expensive. 40 more days left in the semester and i cannot wait for it to all be over so i can go christmas shopping, and wrap presents all day while drinking starbucks. but i have to get through these next 40 days with strength. after the thanksgiving break everything goes pretty quick and thanksgiving is in less then two weeks. im tired and i have to be up for work in a few hours. such an enriching life i live.